If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo: