me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours