You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
me after eating Cheetos
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream