AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
😂 amazing answer
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
it’s finally my moment to shine
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.