I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”