Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.