This is the best one I’ve seen
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Morning.
me when i see my girls butt
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse