You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio