Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it