me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.