no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
back to work
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
decorating my apartment
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.