I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”