in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.