I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
You Might Also Like
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Meow
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.