#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed