advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes