Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
#dnd #ttrpg
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off