Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I love it all
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home