Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
This headline is a thing of beauty
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Said the murderer.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.