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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The photographer’s assistant
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks