Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
philosophical skeletons be like
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Usage Guidelines
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.