There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
no such thing as a dumb question
Just why bro?!