Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Worst perfume name ever.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Mistakes were made
Yup….perfect score!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
kevin is now a local weatherman
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]