Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
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Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra