Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading.”
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no