I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat.
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries