Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here?
Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
nice challenge
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Phones down.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep