“But chickens don’t have fingers,” my kid, ruining dinner.
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.