I used a period at the end of my sentence in a text and my 17yo asked me if I was mad.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”