Kids under 3 get in free to Disneyland which means you’re only charged admission to the park if your brain is capable of forming long term memories. By that token Disneyland should also be free if you’re blackout drunk
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret