so glad I’m not repeating my parents mistakes. but I am making a whole bunch of fun new ones
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
sigh
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?