You know you’re getting old when your kids start referring to every old person they know as “about your age”
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Our lord and savoury.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
pls suprot
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy