A cool thing about being a parent is that I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume because I naturally look like a zombie from The Walking Dead.
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Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
the Monday after daylight savings
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
How all things should be taught/explained.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no