Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise