[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Autocarrot sucks!
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING