Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life