Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car