[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs