biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
So sick of all these stupid rules
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?