Bloody internet 😳
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone