can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
my dad when a sex scene comes on
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Come back with a warrant
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.