Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I just saw a woman with a βDog Momβ bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasnβt great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: donβt use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Friend: youβre so lucky you donβt have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Ok but actually
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
wanted: shrΓΆdingers cat
dead and alive
me: iβm proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: thatβs awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*