Children of the corn 🌽
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
motivation
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Planet of the Apps.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer