CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich