eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The fall of Netflix
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.