Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
You Might Also Like
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.