Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too