everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”