everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
want me to check your oil?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully