[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
You Might Also Like
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
i can’t wait that long
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up